Live Blog - Germany vs. Italy

Minute 0 – Wow, Frings got the +b for trying to slap Julio Cruz, but no Schweinsteiger for Germany either – this is a different German team. For Italy, The Pony (Mauro Camoranesi) is playing in the midfield, and Gatusso is also starting. In a freak rip in the space/time continuum, Al Pacino actually played him in a movie back in the 70s.

Minute 3 – Totti hits a bullet from a free kick, but it hardly troubles Lehman. In fact, Lehman looks like he’s on the training ground instead of at the semifinals of the World Cup. This is a good thing, right?

Minute 5 – Dave O’Brien apologizes that we might be able to hear someone else’s commentary through their mikes. As if we could be so lucky. I’ve been pretty tolerant of this announcing team, but O’Brien asking multiple times why Pekerman didn’t bring in Messi or Saviola during the last Argentina game, and Balboa answering “because they’ve used all their subs!” officially pushed me past my limit. What the hell happened to Tommy Smyth? He’s good enough to do the Champions League games, but only gets a couple of shots during the World Cup? Something about this does not make sense.

Minute 6 – I notice that Friedrich has shaved since Germany faced Argentina. I decide that I have officially seen too much football in the last six weeks.

Minute 7 – Klose goes down and rolls around as if he was thrown out of a moving car. Play stops and he gets up with a grimace and then immediately starts running again. Sometimes I hate football.

Minute 10 – Ten minutes in, and no real chances have been created yet. Not remotely surprising considering who is playing.

Minute 11 – Toni and Lehman have both slipped on the craptastic turf in the last minute. I hope FIFA gets this garbage straightened out in the next four years, or you may as well play South Africa on a sheet of ice instead. Ridiculous. I hear one of my internet doppelgangers is a turf expert – maybe they should as him for help.

Minute 12 – Camoranesi doesn’t know words to the Italian national anthem – oh the shame. Little known fact – approximately 76.3% of Americans pretend The Star Spangled Banner has the word “watermelon” in the lyrics.

Minute 15 – Klose is so good at taking tough passes and then laying the ball off to Podolsky. Lucas was just a step slow in getting there. One wonders if Klose passes this well at the club level.

Minute 16 – Oo, back to back attacking chances, one for each team. Perfect offsides trap break by Italy, but the pass is just a hint too far and Lehman cleans it up after 8 or 9 tries.

Minute 20 – The Pony is sporting the samurai variation of his normal hair do. Does he have to commit sepukku if Italy lose? Regardless, he’s certainly the coolest looking player on the pitch today.

Minute 22 – I think Balboa just called one Italian central defender Mozzarella. Meanwhile, Kehl is getting involved in the offense and looks good, hooking up with Podolski for a tough volley. Podolski pumps up the crowd and it makes me wonder why more players don’t do this. You see it in American football, but not nearly enough for the rabid fans in real football. If you ever get a “create player” option in Football Manager, I’m adding the trait “pumps up the crowd” to my guy in addition to “responds poorly to authority” and “tends to get drunk in Japan.”

Minute 24 – Italy’s turn to go close this time, getting a great free kick from Pirlo that just misses both Toni and Mozzarella.

Minute 25 – Thinking about Football Manager traits makes me wonder how they incorporate tendencies to do Rooney-esque things on the pitch. They have Bravery and Decisions, but I think Stupidity may deserve a spot in the ’07 edition.

Minute 26 – Cannavarro looks great, but the rest of Italy’s defense seems a bit shaky, especially up the left wing. Germany needs to exploit this.

Minute 28 – Holy crap, AC Milan, Lazio, and Fiorentina are also recommended for demotion from Serie A match fixing. I knew about Juve, but had not heard Milan was also in that list. Hopes for a fire sale of Italian stars unwilling to play on relegated sides have officially gone to 11. Let’s just hope that Chelsea are not invited.

*I just realized that a televised auction of the stars from these four teams would perhaps be the greatest football Pay-Per-View event of all time. Expect to hear more about this soon.

Minute 30 - Lahm trips The Pony just outside the box and should probably have received a yellow card for it. He also sports a fantastic shiner from somewhere. Uncomfortable story: My mother-in-law also once sported a black eye just like that one and admitted that she got it while changing positions during sex.

Minute 34 – Klose is on the break and lays it off to Schneider for a fantastic open shot that Buffon manages to parry in a reflex save. Best chance of the match and Buffon proves equal to the task.

Minute 37 – Balboa makes excellent observation (shocking, I know) that Ballack is actually playing the holding midfielder role while Kehl and Borowski get involved in the attack. I’m not sure this is a great idea, since Ballack might just be their most talented player, but Frings is certainly the most important guy for them to replace. So he’s either playing the Frings role, or he’s resting a lot.

Minute 40 – Podolski has now been on his knees and back more than any whore at a Prague cabaret, and he’s not the only player who seems to have taken up a new occupation. The game has suddenly turned into football pinball.

Minute 40 – Borowski gets the first (well-deserved) yellow of the game for an ugly challenge from behind on Totti.

Minute 44 –
Dear Marcelo Balboa,
Can you please stop applauding players for diving? I know that you have taken approximately 10,000 balls to the head, but this behavior is “cheating” no matter how clever you think it is.
Thank you,
Real football fans

Minute 44 – Lahm serves another fantastic ball into the box for Klose, but Italy clears. He might just be the most accurate crosser of the tournament.

Minute 45 – Totti goes flying over Ballack just before the end of the half and gets called for a foul in the process. It was likely the wrong call, but I approve.

And that’s it for the first half. There have been a couple of decent chances, with Schneider probably getting the best one of the half, but both defenses have held. A very solid half of play, and less chippy than many have feared.

Eric Wynalda has grown on me throughout this World Cup. As long as he’s not commenting on the USMNT, he’s frank, accurate, and even somewhat self-effacing. He says stupid stuff when discussing the U.S. but I think that might be just because he cares too much.

Second Half
Minute 48 – The Italians get their 6th offsides flag of the game already, signaling that Germany have apparently figured out how to play the trap correctly since Wanchope embarrassed them three weeks ago.

Minute 50 – Klose makes a ridiculous run that would be the highlight of the Cup if he’d finished it, but gets knocked off the ball just as he shoots and Buffon saves it with his feet. Italy strikes back immediately but is… offsides.

Minute 54 – FAN-tastic tackle by the Magic Dwarf on The Pony, as Lahm has to track back quickly in order to prevent a break. Camoranesi is an angry equine.

Minute 55 – Graphic shows Germany have 0 shots on goal thus far tonight after averaging 9 a game prior to this round, but didn’t we just see Buffon make a save on Klose? FIFA stats remain confusing.

Minute 58 – Totti plays about the fifth ball in a row in to Toni that has been mis-hit or mis-weighted. Each of these has killed what looked like a promising attack. Pirlo needs to get more involved.

Minute 63 – Great ball into Podolsky by Schneider. Podolsky turns extremely well on the ball but then smacks it directly at Buffon, who parries. The ESPN update tells me Martina Navratilova plans to retire at the end of the year. I’m suddenly confused and try to remember what decade we are in.

Minute 67 – Podolsky is on the break, but runs so quickly that the ball can’t keep up. They repeat the break about 45 seconds later, but Borowski’s touch deserts him on the final ball. I realize at this point that I am fully in “screw my predictions” mode and am cheering for Germany. Uber alles, etc.

Minute 69 – Offsides #9 on Italy. Between that and Totti, the Italians are really suffering in the final third of the pitch.

Minute 72 – The first sub of the game is Schweinsteiger in for Borowski. Balboa somehow tells us that Bastian hasn’t had a great tournament, which makes me wonder whether they’ve legalized marijuana in Deutschland. Italy really need an impact sub, but it’s Germany who make the first one. The game feels like it could break open at any moment.

Minute 74 – Finally Lippi makes his sub, getting Totti out of the game while bringing Gilardino off the bench. This isn’t relevant to anything, but the crowd in Dortmund sounds awesome.

Minute 77 – Germany give up a corner on an overdue successful attack from Italy. Zambrotta comes streaking up the sideline, crossing to what looked like Toni at the far post, and Kehl manages to head it out. The corner is plucked from the air by Lehman, who has been dominant thus far when he’s had any action.

Minute 80 – Action has downshifted from 5th gear into 2nd and everyone tries to catch their breath.

Minute 81 – Cannavarro gets called for a mystery foul on Podolsky that occurred inside the box, while the ball is placed outside the box. Ballack rips it over the crossbar. I realize I don’t actually know whether Podolsky is spelled with a Y or an I, but in Latin I am positive it is spelled with a J, making it the inverse of Jehova.

I'm now babbling and making non-sensical Indiana Jones references. Goals please!

Minute 83 – Odonkor comes into the game for a gassed Schneider. He’s like the German Aaron Lennon – all pace, and scary as hell to exhausted left backs for the opposition. In fact, when polled, tired left backs pick Odonkor and Lennon 1 and 2 over Freddy Krueger as men they have nightmares about. On the other side of the field, Gattusso and Ballack go at it again. I’m definitely enjoying their chippy, physical battle.

Minute 85 – Italy finally break the trap again and Lehman nearly knocks Perotta out with a flying elbow while punching the ball away. This is a move we teach in women’s self-defense, though we recommend the ladies don’t leave their feet.

Minute 88 – Ze Germans have held up surprisingly well, considering they played 120 minutes last Friday with most of this same team. Camoranesi hacks down Kehl in the middle of the field and gets a yellow card, looking like a tired but still very feisty Pony.

Minute 93 – Joy, a 0-0 draw. Again. Please not penalty kicks, please not penalty kicks!

Extra Time
Minute 91 – The Pony is off, Iaquinta Inns comes on.

Minute 91 – Gilardino makes a spectacular run (cue Jim Broadbent) down the right side, beating Mertesacker before cutting the ball back and going near-post on Lehman. The ball goes through, but strikes the inside of the post, crossing the goalmouth before being cleared. Soooo close.

Minute 92 – Italy have taken queue from early 2000's baseball and snorted speed during the break, with Zambrotta cracking a long-distance bomb right off the crossbar. Moments later, another Iaquinta run on the right off of a long ball signals the likely Italian strategy for the rest of extra time, a strategy that might just work.

Minute 95 – Lahm battles against Zambrotta and earns a free kick at the edge of the area. The free kick turns into a corner that goes all the way through the penalty area before being cleared.

Minute 96 – Mozzarella takes a 55 mph shot off the noggin and comes up woozy. Arturo Gatti has taken less hard shots to the head than most of these central defenders, and he doesn't even have to worry about elbows...

Minute 103 – Ballack and Iaquinta smash together, and the ref chooses to ignore it. I approve. In other news, Ballack is pretty big – he’s going to be a major pain in the ass in the EPL.

Minute 104 – Balboa just told us Italy was not taking Totti off and keeping him loose for penalty kicks. Didn't he get subbed out half an hour ago? Apparently not – he just hasn’t done anything since minute 73. To further the confusion, O’Brien turns Mozzarella’s name into Maserati. I head over to the FIFA page to figure out who they subbed out.

Minute 106 – Podolski gets an open header and pushes it well past the near post, as the first half of extra time ends.

Minute 108 – Lehman grabs another corner from the air, making sure his guys don’t have a chance to make a mistake. Apparently it was Toni that went out in the second half. Damn these rhyming Italian names!

Minute 111 – Madness in the box as Italy break and Lehman misses when trying to snatch the ball from Del Piero’s feet. Germany immediately counter and Podolski ends up with an open look that Buffon again is able to parry. The men of the match thus far are clearly the two goalkeepers.

Minute 114 – Lehman makes another mistake by coming out and almost getting caught in no man’s land, but Del Piero pushes his shot wide. 10 Germans just died of heart attacks and aneurysms.

Minute 116 – In complete and utter opposition to how the game went previously, it is now end-to-end action. It looks like my co-rec league, even to the point where they appear to be playing 6-on-6 in each half now that they are tired.

Minute 118 – Pirlo finds space and takes a shot from around 22 yards out that forces Lehman to save to his left. Corner kick to come.

Minute 119 - GOOOOOOOOOOOAL. Pirlo takes the ball at the top of the box after , threads a perfect pass to Grosso who sidefoots it into the far corner. Unbelievable!

Minute 121 – GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAL. Gilardino breaks against an exhausted, undermanned German defense and lays it off to Del Piero for an open look from 10 yards. Del Piero pushes it into the far corner and Italy are into the Finals! Unbelievable ending! Italy deserved to win this for their performance in the last 30 minutes, but a heartbreaking loss for Germany. They were the most enjoyable team to watch for the duration of the Cup, and contrary to everything I thought at the beginning of the tournament, I am sad to see them go.